I failed many times at love searching for things beyond my reach. Have I been in love before? Yes! I question myself as to where things went wrong and the only answers I could come up with was that I wanted more than what the person could give or simply wanted someone who didn’t want me. I can admit I had no business with the ones I wanted or was with. Instead of me taking each relationship and situations as a lesson I internalized my pain and my insecurities start to flare. I can recall countless of times where I tried my best to be as beautiful so that the one I wanted would see me. I would change my hair, wear make-up be more girly or however many ways to make someone notice me but none of them worked. I had to learn the hard way that if someone wants you they will make it known loud and clear and when they don’t there is nothing we can do to gain the affection and love that we yearn for from someone who doesn’t want to give it to us. Why do we love, love when love seem to hate us?
In my mind love is not a fairy-tale story. It’s simple, with lots of laughs, kisses, hugs and the long gazing stare when they’re not looking. Love to me is them breaking their necks to come support my dreams, takes trips with me and make my birthday an unforgettable day and celebrate my many levels of success. Love to me is “Good Morning” text messages, liking photos on social media to give me a boost of confidence and out of the blue phone calls just to see if I’m okay. It hurts to see the one that you have developed feelings for and love make someone else happy. It feels like your heart being ripped out of your chest and given to someone else. Why do we love, love when love seem to hate us?
I’ll take all the tears that I have shed to water the seeds of my gifts and continue to watch them grow.
They come running back but by then it’s too late, your over them. They gave you too much space to realize you didn’t really need them in the first place….
My past relationships have been an interesting journey. I have met some great guys along the way with some who treated me with the utmost respect and then there were those I had no business being with in the first place. I don’t regret any of my experiences even if they have hurt me. I say no regrets because I’m glad that those particular relationships didn’t work because what I thought I wanted I didn’t need and who I wanted wasn’t good for me. I was contacted by a few over this past weekend with them inquiring about my relationship status and so forth. My question is What You Want?
I’m at a point in my life now where I know what I need, don’t need, want and don’t want. It was a reason why those relationships didn’t work and I’m glad it didn’t. I’m not saying that to be mean nor am I saying this out of anger. I’m just being honest! There is nothing that my past can do for me at this time. I have gotten over many issues in my life and I am still coming to terms with a few of them. One of them was very dear to me and actually one of the best boyfriends I’ve had. He came in my life at a time when I was going through personal issues and he did anything that he could to be there for me and I loved him for that. As we talked more about trying to get back together again I figured out why we broke up in the first place.
Being a young Black woman in a male dominated industry is tough enough for me as a woman let alone having a significant other who is intimidated by other men. He was insecure and If any man is going to attempt to be in presence let alone be my potential mate, he is going to have to be a strong man who is confident in me as well as a future with me. I knew that the initial contact wasn’t to see about my welfare, it was just to see who was in my life, so my question is What You Want?
Those relationships and/or connections lasted but for its given time and every one of them taught me valuable lessons for me to use for my present and future. Sometimes people don’t see you until your no longer visible to them. Sometimes people only want you for their own selfish reasons. For those who read or may not read my articles I don’t have time for immaturity. I’m very, funny, loyal, trustworthy, educated, love to laugh etc…. I don’t have time for guessing games nor do I have the energy to pull teeth. My time is very valuable just as anyone elses and if there isn’t anything we can benefit from each other (Non-Sexual Benefits) then we have nothing to talk about.
I do understand that the past will try to creep its way back in and I’m prepared for the shenanigans that may arise but please do not be offended by my question when I ask you What You Want?
You only get one chance with me!!!